Following The Sunset

Process of Me Running into My Own Heart

“You still got time,” sang my mind for the 12th time.

Since I was young, I’ve been perceived as a high achiever and a traveler of success by my family. No matter what I wanted to do, I was expected to continue my studies, attend college, and graduate with a degree.

I’ve also wanted to study medicine and become an oncologist for as long as I can remember. Despite that, I became afraid of going to medical school after the pandemic of 2020 and the dreadful struggles that came with it: doctors and nurses had to face calamities, causing some to even take their own lives out of desperation. I thought I was going to go down the same path. I also thought becoming a doctor was too time-consuming, and I truly value free time because I’m able to enjoy myself. Finally, the thought of “failure” also went through my mind. I thought the career was too hard to even be tried, until I researched by asking some doctors, and realized that a job (or anything) is only hard if I let it be. I had “blundered” my life by filling up my mind with so much bullshit and the imaginings of failed successes.

Thinking that medicine was not for me, I decided to go for business, which is more accessible (for my “getting a degree” mindset) than medicine and most other careers. I began overthinking my path when I realized I felt embarrassed whenever people asked me what I wanted to do. I would vaguely reply with the same old phrase, “Oh, I plan to major in international business.” But in reality, I didn’t even know what a business degree was. I didn’t even know what it meant to be a ‘business major’. I felt so lost — I was about to travel a road with no end.

“I was controlled, or I enabled myself to be.”

Even when my family supported me and perceived me as a high achiever, my externalities would remind me that I wasn’t enough. Although I tried my best in everything I did, the comments of others would lower my spirits: “You can’t be a doctor; you are too soft. You can’t be the Commanding Officer; you are too short. You can’t take AP classes; you couldn’t even pass pre-AP with an A. You can’t wear certain things; your body wouldn’t look nice in them. You won’t make it; you have an English accent, and you stutter too much.”

I lived by these phrases for months. I felt I needed guidance from others because I saw myself as unable to make reliable decisions due to my lack of street intelligence, and my soft personality, compared to those I was surrounded by: people with strong, wise, and driven personalities. They were decision-makers and I thought they knew me more than I knew myself.

I was controlled, or I enabled myself to be. I allowed people to manipulate my mind, body, and feelings.

The ideas of others took over my subconscious, leading to extreme self-doubt and poor decision-making. I would overthink everything I did and later found myself tired of being controlled by others' expectations of me. I realized I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I let other people treat my life and my decisions as their puppets.

“…it is up to me to decide who and what I choose to give my attention to.”

It was not until a video call with my boyfriend, where I was reminiscing and telling him random stories about my youth, that I came to this realization. I told him how I always wanted to help people who are battling cancer, and that I aspired to be an oncologist since my early years. He said, “you still got time to decide, you have a few months left until graduation, you can be a doctor.” His wise words transformed my flesh. My faith was restored and I was hopeful again. I realized the number of things I could’ve missed out on if I kept letting external voices play within my ears. I learned that I am enough: I am able to make decisions and I am able to achieve anything I desire. I actually had time and opportunities to succeed.

I followed and trusted the words of the Sunset — my guide and subconscious voice: the Holy Spirit.

This allowed me to discern that things will not fail for me unless I let them; mindset is everything. I realized that the mind is pretty much like a sponge. It may absorb everything that surrounds it, but it is up to you if you let things stick and remain with you.

I feel free after being called by the Sunset. My soul untied itself from a weak mindset and low spirits and I now see myself as an achieving individual, just like my family does. However, I’m not forcing myself into a career that I don’t love, just for the sake of having a degree.

In life, I will paint across many different types of people on my canvas; some will attempt to bring me down, and some will praise me; it is up to me to decide who and what I choose to give my attention to. When trying to make a decision, I now go for the things that fill my heart the most — I also freely educate myself on those desires, and therefore I’m now able to make the right decisions that lighten my heart.

In gratitude, I dedicate this piece to my Creator for teaching me so much, being so patient with me, and allowing the Sunset onto my canvas of life.

Darline Krystal

Darline Krystal was born in the Dominican Republic, moved to Puerto Rico at age 7, and landed in the United States in late 2013. Her writing pieces have been part of several writing magazines, and at just sixteen years old, Darline proudly considers herself a writer, poet, artist, and author of El arte de volar sin ser mariposa. Her passion for her poetry motivates her to keep writing in order to connect with the world.

https://darlinekrystal.square.site/
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Imposter Syndrome