Process of Me Running into My Own Heart

“You still got time,” sang my mind for the 12th time.

Since I was young, I’ve been perceived as a high achiever and a traveler of success by my family. No matter what I wanted to do, I was expected to continue my studies, attend college, and graduate with a degree.

I’ve also wanted to study medicine and become an oncologist for as long as I can remember. Despite that, I became afraid of going to medical school after the pandemic of 2020 and the dreadful struggles that came with it: doctors and nurses had to face calamities, causing some to even take their own lives out of desperation. I thought I was going to go down the same path. I also thought becoming a doctor was too time-consuming, and I truly value free time because I’m able to enjoy myself. Finally, the thought of “failure” also went through my mind. I thought the career was too hard to even be tried, until I researched by asking some doctors, and realized that a job (or anything) is only hard if I let it be. I had “blundered” my life by filling up my mind with so much bullshit and the imaginings of failed successes.

Thinking that medicine was not for me, I decided to go for business, which is more accessible (for my “getting a degree” mindset) than medicine and most other careers. I began overthinking my path when I realized I felt embarrassed whenever people asked me what I wanted to do. I would vaguely reply with the same old phrase, “Oh, I plan to major in international business.” But in reality, I didn’t even know what a business degree was. I didn’t even know what it meant to be a ‘business major’. I felt so lost — I was about to travel a road with no end.

“I was controlled, or I enabled myself to be.”

Even when my family supported me and perceived me as a high achiever, my externalities would remind me that I wasn’t enough. Although I tried my best in everything I did, the comments of others would lower my spirits: “You can’t be a doctor; you are too soft. You can’t be the Commanding Officer; you are too short. You can’t take AP classes; you couldn’t even pass pre-AP with an A. You can’t wear certain things; your body wouldn’t look nice in them. You won’t make it; you have an English accent, and you stutter too much.”

I lived by these phrases for months. I felt I needed guidance from others because I saw myself as unable to make reliable decisions due to my lack of street intelligence, and my soft personality, compared to those I was surrounded by: people with strong, wise, and driven personalities. They were decision-makers and I thought they knew me more than I knew myself.

I was controlled, or I enabled myself to be. I allowed people to manipulate my mind, body, and feelings.

The ideas of others took over my subconscious, leading to extreme self-doubt and poor decision-making. I would overthink everything I did and later found myself tired of being controlled by others' expectations of me. I realized I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I let other people treat my life and my decisions as their puppets.

“…it is up to me to decide who and what I choose to give my attention to.”

It was not until a video call with my boyfriend, where I was reminiscing and telling him random stories about my youth, that I came to this realization. I told him how I always wanted to help people who are battling cancer, and that I aspired to be an oncologist since my early years. He said, “you still got time to decide, you have a few months left until graduation, you can be a doctor.” His wise words transformed my flesh. My faith was restored and I was hopeful again. I realized the number of things I could’ve missed out on if I kept letting external voices play within my ears. I learned that I am enough: I am able to make decisions and I am able to achieve anything I desire. I actually had time and opportunities to succeed.

I followed and trusted the words of the Sunset — my guide and subconscious voice: the Holy Spirit.

This allowed me to discern that things will not fail for me unless I let them; mindset is everything. I realized that the mind is pretty much like a sponge. It may absorb everything that surrounds it, but it is up to you if you let things stick and remain with you.

I feel free after being called by the Sunset. My soul untied itself from a weak mindset and low spirits and I now see myself as an achieving individual, just like my family does. However, I’m not forcing myself into a career that I don’t love, just for the sake of having a degree.

In life, I will paint across many different types of people on my canvas; some will attempt to bring me down, and some will praise me; it is up to me to decide who and what I choose to give my attention to. When trying to make a decision, I now go for the things that fill my heart the most — I also freely educate myself on those desires, and therefore I’m now able to make the right decisions that lighten my heart.

In gratitude, I dedicate this piece to my Creator for teaching me so much, being so patient with me, and allowing the Sunset onto my canvas of life.