Identity of a Mother

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I was 36 weeks pregnant with my second child standing in front of an audience including professors, researchers, and students defending my master’s thesis. I had received a Master’s in Medical Microbiology!

After two weeks, I gave birth.

I was studious, ambitious, and career-oriented, and I was proud of myself for that. However, motherhood changed me drastically. I quit my career and decided to be a full-time mother.

It was my decision.

You know why? Because I was obsessed with motherhood. I loved my children so much that I wanted everything to be perfect for them. From morning to evening, my life revolved around them. I read parenting articles, books, and blogs; I prepared schedules for my children and so my schedule became adjusted to theirs; I even cooked healthy, wholesome meals for the family. My life changed completely, in such a way that I was not aware of anything else other than parenting. In fact, my friends in the mommy groups often gave me compliments, and started asking for parenting tips which made me feel confident.

On the other hand though, I was slipping in the microbiology conversations with my friends and ex-colleagues. I didn’t have anything to contribute there, which made me feel that the only thing I was confident about was parenting.

“I had left my career for the right upbringing of my children and there stood my daughter without any ambitions.”

It was overwhelming to take care of two children under two, but I have a very supportive husband who never took me for granted. Though I was a full-time housewife, he always gave me a hand in housekeeping, cooking, and parenting after his tiring office hours. I was completely happy with my mommy-life and I enjoyed each moment with my children.

When they grew to be naughty toddlers and became more independent, I started getting some free time for myself. In those moments, I had flash thoughts about my career. But I felt that it was too late to get back to work after the long gap of three years. Moreover, I was not the same person who defended the thesis — I had lost confidence in myself. I didn’t know anything about the world outside of my mommy-bubble.

One day, I was cooking and my three-year-old son showed up in the kitchen and casually made a statement: “Mommy, you look like a muffin and I love you. I love muffins too!” I enjoyed that silly moment with him, hugged him, and went back to cooking. However, my son’s comment reverted to my mind many times after that. Did I look like a muffin? Yes, I did. Though, as a mother, I felt proud about my son’s creative thinking, I was deeply hurt as a woman. I had forgotten to take care of myself. It was cute to hear such a comment from a toddler, but the reality behind it struck me.

Then ie became it was my daughter’s turn. During one of our casual evening talks, my four-year-old daughter told her brother that when she grew up, she would stay at home like mommy and he could go to the office like daddy.

Another stab at my identity.

I had become a full-time mother out of choice, out of love, but I was certainly ambitious throughout my life. My daughter's comment disappointed me — I had left my career for the right upbringing of my children and there stood my daughter without any ambitions. I never compromised any aspects of parenting, and I can shout it loud. I was successful in raising two well-disciplined and naughty toddlers. They are very loving and, in fact, they love me like crazy.

But still, I felt hollow.

Moreover, I wanted my children to respect me without any gender biases. Like every parent, I want my children to be successful. For them to be successful, I realized that I needed to create an identity for myself outside of being a homemaker. I needed to be a role model. I wanted my daughter to learn ambitions from her mother, and my son to remember that his mother can take care of herself other than just performing household duties. 

“…what I thought was my greatest weakness turned out to be my strongest motivation. Motherhood gave me the confidence to step out of my comfort zone, try something challenging, and achieve my life goals.”

I needed to take care of myself. I needed to become something, for myself and for my children. I wanted my children to know that their mother has an identity as a woman. I wanted them to learn to build their own identities. For a change, I started reading self-help books instead of parenting books. Those books helped me incredibly. A quote that still sticks with me is: “You can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures.”― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Next, I learned how to drive, which is totally unrelated to microbiology and parenting. But this gave me the confidence in knowing that I could start all over again. It's never late to learn something new.

With the help of YouTube, I even learned how to build a website, how to design it, and other technical aspects of blogging which is completely naive for someone with science background. All these small yet powerful steps helped me acquire enough courage to face the world again.

My passion for microbiology turned me into a freelance science communicator and I started a microbiology blog called Living With Microbes. It has given me the freedom to do what I want without compromising my children’s needs. I am not being judgmental about parenting styles or making a statement that only working mothers can be role models to their children. In fact, I know a lot of wonderful mothers who are not working but still maintain their dignity and elegance. My mother has always been a housewife and a dedicated mother all her life and she is the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. However, I am here to say that what I thought was my greatest weakness turned out to be my strongest motivation. Motherhood gave me the confidence to step out of my comfort zone, try something challenging, and achieve my life goals. 

To the gorgeous ladies out there: what you think is your weakness, because of which you procrastinate, might actually change into your greatest strength and confidence.