In Search of God
photo by Elizabeth Tr. Armstrong
“Do you believe in God?”
This is the one question I cannot seem to answer... and it is the one question everyone seems to ask me all the time.
I am in my 30s and I am still searching for the answer. I have heard that there are people who search their whole lives for something and still don’t get answers. Will I be one of them? I believe there is a higher being: the “one” or the “universal one”. And even though I question, I do believe that there is someone existing, who much greater than us.
The question of “God” has always been such a touchy topic at my house. The only person I could discuss this is with my husband, who has done his fair share of soul searching. I, personally, had never found the need to search for God; the reason why my belief is so scattered is because of my having a difficult life growing up. I was challenged by so many obstacles, so I started to think that there was no God. When I was younger, I would cry and ask my mother, “Why is my life so difficult? Why is God not seeing the pain I am in?”
“I still have conversations with that voice. I have arguments with that voice. I have held onto that voice at every instance of my life…”
I’d plead to my mother during a time where everything in my life was a mess. I am still not willing to talk about those specific experiences out loud or put them on a blog — let’s just say my life at the time was truly a mess. Eventually, though, I learned to live with all the obstacles I was facing. I know many people will think that everyone has challenges and they’re a part of life, but I was so young that I could not comprehend how a child could have so many problems; my problems were such that they became a huge part of my life. Let me correct that — I made my problems a huge part of my life. I just could not accept these problems as they were, hence I questioned the existence of God.
I did, however, always have a voice inside that kept encouraging me to go on and not give up. I kept speaking to this voice, and the more I spoke, the more courage I received to face all my demons. Was that God talking to me? Sometimes the answer to that question is yes and sometimes the answer is no, I’ve found.
“Everything came to a standstill that day; I had never looked at life and God in that way, and it was such an eye-opener.”
Years later, I learned to live with all my demons and all my problems, despite the voice inside me, still talking to me. Incidentally, my husband’s family happens to be very spiritual — one evening after dinner with the family, we had a discussion on God and I expressed my feelings of questioning. My husband’s elder brother said to me, “If your life is difficult, it means there is a God in your life, because God knows you can handle that problem or difficulty.’’
This one sentence changed my feelings about God forever.
Aside from this moment, there have been very few in my life that have had such an impact on me and have stuck with me. Everything came to a standstill that day; I had never looked at life and God in that way, and it was such an eye-opener. I realized that whenever my demon showed his ugly face, I dared to face it — all the time, I would hear that voice telling me to hold on tightly. Was that God talking to me, giving me the courage to hold on?
Today, many years later, I never let go of that voice. I still have conversations with that voice. I have arguments with that voice. I have held onto that voice at every instance of my life right from the birth of my children to watching my father pass away. I’m sure that voice will stay with me.
After all this, I am sure you will ask me, “So, do you believe in God?’’
Yes, and no...
