More Than Enough
I and my mother
My mother and I
Just me and her
Just her and I
When I was 6,
I always found myself in the bathroom,
while my mom was doing her hair.
I would say,
"Mom, you're so beautiful."
"If only I could be that fair."
She would respond,
"You have to say things like that."
Or, she would say,
"Uh no, I am getting a little fat."
Ironically, or not so,
I took that self-esteem as my own,
As a child, I grew up,
Hating
Berating
Sublimating
The very flesh that carried me;
The very body that housed my soul.
I was so unkind.
My shoulders would hunch.
I slouched in my seat.
Who would ever like someone whose head
Followed their feet?
At this point,
I accepted everything that everyone told me
About me
As truth.
School was something that came easy to me;
It also became my identity.
My mother,
And let alone
Everyone else,
Took in my excellence in school
And deemed me as
"Good"
"Good" because I was good at school,
Not because I was cool, but
Well behaved
Caused no trouble
no dismay:
I was good.
Yet,
I was good because
I was "good" at school.
I felt, in a sense, maybe,
Just maybe,
I was worth no more than this.
That my sense of worth had somehow been
Always attached to educational advancements.
My father came into my life at 11.
I found out that
Well,
He had a whole family:
3 children
2 boys
1 girl
And me,
The unwanted one.
I couldn't understand,
My feeble young mind,
Why was it me
That had to be disregarded.
Scarred
Barred
& Charred
Was I not enough to have a father?
Did I have to earn this just as I did
For a grade in school?
Was this an evidence-based rule?
As a preteen,
Family dynamics always made me queasy
The movies made it all seem so easy.
Through marriage, into another family I was thrust,
And still without anyone to trust.
Why was it that adults had so much baggage
That they couldn’t accept a child that was just trying to manage.
These adults, or children
Never had anything positive to say
And would always throw so much dirt
on my mother and my’s name.
It caused me so much pain.
I felt like I wasn't wanted in any way.
Impressionable and naïve,
I shut my mouth and threw away the key.
I took everyone's narrative of who I should be
And how I should navigate the world as if it were me.
Coming to the realization of who I am and want to be,
I began to silence the noise and attune to my being.
Slowly remembering the things that made me, me;
Recollecting the thoughts of how I was created to be.
This was me.
Nobody, but
Me.
The past
cannot dictate the future,
And through the silence
And the pain
The confusion
And a bit of rain
I’ve learned to be, just be.
Therefore,
I am acknowledging that
I am powerful.
I can achieve anything that I set my mind to.
I am more than what others have said about me.
I am worth more than rubies and pearls.
I am worthy.
No matter what I've been through,
No matter who dislikes me,
I can no longer afford
To succumb to others thoughts
And emotions of me.
For I know,
That I have a lot of knowledge to share
And a lot of great wisdom to give.
I have silenced myself,
Shied away from my being,
Have been fearful to even speak,
Because of the doubt within me.
But being me is what brings me peace.
What others think,
Will never give me this ease.
