The Cost of Having
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Having you cost me so much.
Now, before I go further, I would like to reassure the reader that my glass is still half full, in fact, it overflows. I'm still optimistic, but humor me for a moment.
He was my first real, "adult" relationship. So I spent much of my time acclimating to the discomfort that accompanied the fact that I didn't fully understand what I was doing... relationship-wise.
Uncertainty, for me, is very destabilizing. Now, when you heap a sneaky suspicion of dysfunction on top of the uncertainty, it creates a gaping hole. A gap between what I know to be true about myself, and what my "partner" is reflecting back to me.
When I would present my suspicions to him, he would invalidate them, implying that I was irrational and ultimately out of line.
These such invalidations chip at one's self-assuredness. Confidence slowly declines because your internal environment is being alerted to threats that your external environment declares unreal and unreasonable.
While it may be normal to assume that this deflation of confidence is localized in only one area of your life... it, in fact, is a cancer that metastasizes and virtually consumes your entire being.
When you doubt your intuition, you doubt many things about your unique construction. The doubt dulls your ability to know what alerts you should act on, and which you should mindfully allow to pass.
Is this danger? Your mind continues to ask, unable to know if a threat is real, perceived, or contrived. Your conviction becomes compromised.
So, yes, I lost my conviction, well not fully, but I lost much of it. So, I'm currently rebuilding. Well, quite honestly, I'm still rummaging the rubble to salvage the valuables so that I can begin rebuilding.
Allowing the wrong person into the inner chambers of your heart is dangerous, probably the most dangerous thing one can ever do.
Spend time learning the meanings of your different intuition alerts. Once you learn them, honor them, and give them precedence in your decision making.
Btw, I say intuition, but I really mean Holy Spirit... Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk
