The Hijab & Me

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Growing up, I was lucky enough to have a mother who never saw her hijab as a barrier but rather a source of empowerment and pride. Her portrayal of being a hijabi made me desire becoming one too. So, at the age of 10, I began to wear it full time. When I started, I didn’t truly understand what it meant for me as a woman, nor did I know what being a hijabi entailed. As I got older, my hijab opened my eyes to the many truths that life has. Although my journey to coming to this realization wasn’t easy, it was something that I am grateful for, because without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

My Meaning of the Hijab

One of the bigger things that my journey of self-growth has taught me, is the meaning of the hijab. Although as a Muslim I always knew what it was — at least literally — I never knew what it meant to me, personally and spiritually. Like everyone, I knew that the hijab is a religious article which acts as a barrier or partition made of some sort of cloth. But beyond its physical properties, the hijab is so much more, just like being a hijabi is more than just wearing a hijab.

Ever since I became a full time hijabi, I’ve dealt with criticisms, stares and negative comments while wearing my hijab in public. I’m well aware that I’m not the only Muslim woman who has experienced this, but it still bothered me until my mom explained to me that the negative response that non-Muslims have towards hijabis is usually due to lack of knowledge. This is why she taught me to always respond back with kindness and a smile, because those two things go a long way.

My experiences as a hijabi have helped me understand the reason for my mom’s response to negativity towards the hijab. You see, me smiling and responding back with kindness confuses people. Especially, people who view the hijab as a sign of oppression, weakness, and extremism. And as a hijabi, I am a constant representation of my religion. By behaving in the opposite manner of which I am expected to behave, I take away the power that the negativity of others have towards me, all while leaving them with a better impression of who hijabis actually are.

This is what the hijab represents — the smile that I direct towards the hate and negativity. It may be a barrier and something that is worn as a religious practice, but it is also something that grants Muslim women everywhere the strength to take on the world. Because being a hijabi is knowing that just by existing, we serve as a representation of the entire nation of Islam. Our hijabs are the crowns which have been given to us to show the status which Islam has given women — as Queens and as a pathway to paradise for those close to these women. That’s why, to me, the hijab can’t simply be just a barrier.

Finding the Definition of Beauty

“Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings. “

-Unknown

You see, I am a culmination of my parents best features. My Filipino mother gave me her almond eyes, long hair, and bold personality. My Lebanese father gave me my curvy body, textured hair, and sharp nose. And, even though society has made biracial features desirable. I struggled with self-confidence issues, especially due to my appearance. 

Although, my parents had made sure to instill confidence in me. There were still times when I felt as though I wasn’t enough. This was primarily due to being unable to relate to and connect with either Filipino or Arab beauty standards — a struggle which began when I was 13 years old on a trip to the Philippines.

During this trip, I was constantly given what I call, “sugar coated insults” from family members. They would go, "...you're such a pretty girl, but… you'd be prettier if you lost weight." or "...you were such a pretty girl growing up when you had lighter skin, what happened?" ⁠These comments led to negative self talk, misery and an unhealthy obsession with my weight.

After spending two years being miserable with my mindset and behaviour, I decided to embark on a journey of self-growth. It had taken me a long time to reach a place in my life where I was content and happy with myself and my appearance. Strengthening my relationship with my hijab was key to fostering a healthy relationship with myself. And by doing so, I learned that being a hijabi is about recognizing the strength it takes to look past the surface to uncover true beauty. Because beauty that is everlasting and enamoring comes from the inside. Something which is reflected by one’s manners and attitude. Not just by external appearances.