Trying To Be Like My Mum
Come December, I’ll be turning 29, and as I look back at my life from this point, I understand myself a lot better — especially where it pertains to my identity and who I've become. It's worth mentioning that I’m black, a woman, and a believer. Those three combined are key elements to what makes me who I am. Yet, none of these have impacted me the way my mum has. My mum's influence in my life has molded me into the woman I see today when I look in the mirror.
I wanted to be just like my mum when I was younger. As I sneakily helped myself through her make-up bag, I'd make my requests known to God. I asked for him to make me a carbon copy of her, but without all the bad stuff she ever experienced. I laugh now when I think about it, because it's clear that I didn't know the depth of what I was asking for. But, I knew exactly what I wanted then.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Honestly, I don’t doubt that it’s normal for little girls to want to be like their mums. In my case, being the only girl, as well as the middle child, made that desire stronger. I don't think this was necessarily a bad thing; it just led me on a wild goose chase of self discovery — a place I should have arrived much earlier on in life. However, because I spent a great portion of my teens and early adulthood years trying to be the woman I admired, it took me a while to find myself and my voice.
In my quest to be like my mum, I realized quite quickly that I wasn't going to be able fill a fraction of her shoes. Determined not to abandon my mission, I decided to take an alternative route. If I couldn't be my mum, then I was happy to be the 2.0 version of her. This basically meant that I would try and do the things she did, just bigger and better, or so I thought.
The Pressure
If you're not being true to yourself in whatever capacity, believe me when I say it'll eventually catch up to you. Trying to be the "better" version of my mum was much harder than trying to be the original. Years later, I discovered that finding myself and being myself was actually a lot easier.
For me, especially back then, my mum was the blueprint. The moves I made were heavily inspired by her and the way she lived her life. How I maneuvered in romantic relationships and friendships; my spending habits, mannerisms; the way I cooked — even down to the way I wore my hair. Now, you might think that's not problematic, and it wasn't for a while, but one day everything changed. Trying to be the 2.0 version of my mum wore me out. Everything I was doing made me feel counterfeit because I could never match up, no matter how hard I tried.
The Awakening
Instead of being my mum's daughter, I had desperately fixated myself on trying to be the better version of her. No one told me to do this, I just took it upon myself. In doing so, I didn't really give myself a chance to find out who I really was, and for a long time. Yes, I am my mum's daughter and I will always honor that. But, most importantly, I am me, and I'm glad I’ve given myself the chance to really discover who I am.
My mum has always been my biggest inspiration. But she has lived her life, and now it's time for me to live mine. In the last few years, I've emerged from behind my mum's shadow. I am me. I no longer make decisions by comparing myself to my mum or what she did.
I love the sound of my voice now, because I'm not afraid to use it. I have my own style, taste, and approach to the way I do things. When I look in the mirror and I finally recognize myself, I truly love what I see.
P.S. — Daughters, it is not our job to be like our mothers. It's our job to be our true and authentic selves. We can love and honor our mothers without trying to walk in their shoes. Instead, let us learn from their journeys as we make our way through this thing we call life.
Stay blessed
Lots of Love
Jenna
Xoxo
