Upon Deep Breath
photo by Leighann Blackwood
Upon the exhalation of deep breath, have you wondered why it felt so good, light, freeing to release? Of course there are physiological reasons behind this, but let's not overlook the metaphysical. Lately, many of my meditations have asked me (yes, they're talking right, directly to me) to "breathe in" what I want more of and "breathe out" what I want to release. Initially, I would have a hard time with this practice, overthinking what it was I wanted to let go of. There were so many things — the tightness in my shoulders, the feeling of consistent dissatisfaction, self doubt, lack of discipline. With time, more intentional self-reflection, and conscious awareness of my recurring behaviors, I began, when asked to breathe this way, to focus on the word "release". What is it that I want to release when I exhale? What is it that I actually do release when I exhale?
For me, answering these questions has begun with identifying what it is that I hold on to. Here, I'm being mindful of my words. In one case, I can embrace ideas, experiences, thoughts, modes of identity — but in another, that embrace can morph into a hold, a clutch, if you will. As I write this, the idea revealing itself to me is that everything has its season, everything has its time. Nothing can be bound simply by my mortal desire to retain the feeling of that object, the memory of that experience, the residual tingle of that kiss. As swiftly as waves wash over shells come to shore, and as the breeze brushes past unsuspecting blades of grass, so brisk is the impermanence of our desires — the ephemeral attitude of our abstract longings, both intentional and thoughtless. Because, once those yearnings are yielded to, either consciously or subconsciously, a release must occur. So, when I assess what I am holding on to, you can believe I'm talking about what I'm clutching.
*deep breath in… and exhale*
Thinking, for a moment, that the desires I feel (whether pivotal or trivial) that seem so etched into my intuition, may simply be in alignment with the ebb and flow of the unattached spirit, is at the same time humbling and disheartening. S-s-so does that mean these desires I've formulated complete trajectories and identities from were merely etched into my ego? My ego that I liken to a tumultuous, poorly communicative, parochial toddler? It's hard for me to surrender to that thought. But just as formidably as I feel the release when I exhale, I know I've been clutching onto wishes perhaps not representing the full spectrum or scope of my path. And realizing that path, I believe, is something that follows when I follow the spirit.
This is my reminder to keep breathing, keep reflecting, keep one eye on self awareness and the other on the movement of the spirit. Because, if I can keep myself light and free, I can move in the direction of divinement (divine alignment). I can move with more ease — loose shoulders for me to communicate like the African that I am; dissatisfaction-turned-detachment from the need to be satiated by my external environments; self affirmation; my work ethic as a representation of my vivacity rather than my adherence to social standards. So, as much as my petulant ego wants me to control what underlies my in-and-exhales, here's an affirmation that I can put my faith into what I embrace and what I release. And that's that on that.
