The Purest Love

When I see you; I see myself. I see the parts of me that I’ve buried deep. The parts of me that have remained dormant for far too long. Your being awakens in me parts that I’ve intentionally left behind and buried over with shame, fear, or guilt, setting in over time and distancing me from the uninhibited, care-free spirit I once was. Your gentle soul and kind eyes remind me that you are part of me and I am part of you.  

I can recount the times my younger self would freely and innocently ask questions; I was always an inquisitive young soul. I would ask about the world around me and oftentimes wonder about well beyond what meets the eye. I always wanted to try new things and put my all into them, whether a new hobby or an athletic sport. I was carefree and sensitive; I felt everything deeply. I wrote poetry and short stories at a young age, both myself and my writing were filled with emotions. But eventually, I changed. I slowly retreated into a shell, a kind of shield, and allowed any setback or pushback to drive me further into that shell. I am now breaking free from this old, restrictive way of being because I want more for you. I want you to be free as you are, and be all you are designed and intended to be. 

“If I had just one prayer left, it would be that every tear that I’ve shed, every bit of exasperation I’ve felt, any sleep or energy that I’ve lost would be restored into your success, your protection, your peace of mind, and stillness of heart.”

It pains me that I don’t cherish these fleeting moments we have as I should, as you are growing and changing everyday. I observe apprehension and confabulations within myself whenever I attempt to put my foot down or assert myself confidently as your “everything” — your role model, leader, discipliner, source of love and warmth. It paralyzes me into fear, always getting the best of me... and the worst part is that sometimes it isn’t the fear of disappointing you that paralyzes me, but rather the frustration I feel that I don’t have everything under control. I clearly have so much work to do. But please know, the necessity of my inner work doesn’t take away from you. 

Your entrance into my life sparked my biggest internal change, and you’ve become the clearest mirror that’s ever been placed in plain view right in front of me. My inner work started the day I knew you’d one day come to be and, God-willing, one day you will grow up to become your own source of strength — a strength I pray I don't chip down in the present with my own insecurities and qualms.

This love I have for you is a pure one that I often struggle to express; with you, I struggle to be vulnerable, to dare greatly, and to trust that what I have to give is enough. It’s the pureness of a Mother’s love coded into my soul from the Divine Himself. It is a love that runs deep; a spiritual love I’ve prayed for and manifested into the physical being that is you.

“Not every day is perfect, but when it goes well, I now reflect on what works and show gratitude to the Most High for blessing me with your presence every single, fleeting day.”

If I had just one prayer left, it would be that every tear that I’ve shed, every bit of exasperation I’ve felt, any sleep or energy that I’ve lost would be restored into your success, your protection, your peace of mind, and stillness of heart. What I do have, though, is the present moment. What I do have is an assurance that everything will be okay. What I do need is a whole-heartedness to continue raising the little you that you are.

I’ve made a vow to work on getting back to the essence of who I am as a grown woman and chosen Mother. I take into account every decision I make and how it will affect you: I praise you and try to connect with you; I try to limit the distractions around me to look into your sweet, blameless eyes; I intentionally make the effort to set the tone of each day I spend raising you. Not every day is perfect, but when it goes well, I now reflect on what works and show gratitude to the Most High for blessing me with your presence every single, fleeting day. 

This purity of love we have as Mother and Son is eternally bonded. My ever-growing love for you began when you developed within me just a few years ago. Every movement, flutter, and kick reminded me of the great trust that has been gifted to me to nurture and care for you. From that moment on, I knew this genuine softness in my heart would continue to grow, and now as I gaze upon you, I’m reminded this is the purest love.