Healing into Wholeness from the Root Experience with Justin Darkoh
Season 4 Episode 7
On this episode of Wellspringwords: The Podcast, Nkem speaks with Mindset Coach, Justin Darkoh about the journey through healing people-pleasing. They share personal stories about their journeys of self-inquiry, self-awareness, and moving through difficult emotions through a balanced masculine and feminine approach. A lot of this discussion centers on our experiences as humans returning to our Root experiences and healing from there. Scroll below for the topic timestamps.
Justin, originally from Germany, embarked on a soul-searching journey in 2015 and has been traveling ever since. During his travels, he has explored various parts of the world, discovering himself and his passions through his experiences.
Nkem met Justin through a group chat and chose to receive support through coaching with him. She was drawn to their conversations on exploring the root causes of personal challenges and setting boundaries to facilitate healing and personal development. Through their interactions, Nkem realized the importance of having a coach to guide her own journey and the benefits of being a coach to support others. They discovered the power of connection and the potential for growth through a supportive community.
“If it is not coming from your authentic self or from your true will, it’s a protection mechanism.”
Justin defines people-pleasing as behavior that is not coming from one's authentic self or true will, but rather as a protection mechanism. This behavior can be self-sabotaging, done to feel significant, heard, seen, or loved. Justin personally experienced people-pleasing during his childhood without being aware of it. He explains that people often deny their people-pleasing behavior, thinking that they are making others happy when, in reality, there may be a root cause of insecurity behind the behavior. Identifying the root cause of people-pleasing is challenging since it often starts in childhood, and individuals may not be aware of it. Younger individuals are influenced by their environment, which shapes their identity and set of ethics and morals. Justin shares that his people-pleasing behavior stemmed from wanting to make his parents proud, especially his Ghanaian father.
When we move from the domain of pleasing our parents to the external world, the same desire to please our parents becomes a desire to please the people around us. Nkem shares how recognizing this behavior is one thing, but switching our entire people-pleasing system to the opposite can be difficult, but life-changing. Understanding the root cause of people-pleasing behavior and how it impacts our lives is essential. Nkem and Justin emphasize the power of self-inquiry, and how we can recognize where and how the roots of this behavior are formed.
Justin talks about the importance of having awareness if you are in the business world, because people-pleasing behavior will always show itself. He urges individuals to be mindful of their actions and question whether they are trying to please someone else for their benefit or not. Over-delivering without pay raises can be an example of people-pleasing behavior. Justin advises individuals to follow the root causes of their behavior and ask themselves why they behave in a certain way, especially when they are receiving nothing or very little. People-pleasing behavior often starts with the caregivers, and Justin personally experienced a lot of pressure from his father's expectations through the lens of the Ghanaian culture, which often contradicts modern Western culture. Culture plays a significant role in shaping behavior, and Justin mainly lived for his father until he reached a point where self-sabotage conflicted with his authentic self and threatened to bring him into a darker space.
“We look for happiness from other places but ourselves.”
The two also explore the notion of having curiosity, not only about external things but also about ourselves. This can be achieved by asking ourselves questions and delving into the reasons behind our actions. Nkem took some time to understand her family and friendship dynamics on her own and found it essential to have difficult conversations with the people in her life. She learned to make time for these conversations and set boundaries even if they were not initially accepted by others. Nkem realized that it's okay to be a burden on others for her own good and wellbeing, in order to receive support and heal the wound of belonging. Self-sabotage can't happen when one is actively trying to choose themselves and, ultimately, peace.
Taking opportunities for growth and understanding can lead to a sense of calmness. Justin explains how when we are given an opportunity to assess our actions, it's helpful to examine them and determine if we should respond one way or differently. This process can help us understand what our behavior is trying to tell us. We have the ability to learn to control how we react or respond to situations. New responses bring changes that we may ultimately want to experience.
We hope this conversation supports you on your journey of wholeness. Enjoy! Let us know if it brought anything to mind or heart for you in a podcast review on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser, on Instagram, or via email at bewell@wellspringwords.love. Be well!
Topic timestamps
0:10 - Introduction
4:40 - Justin’s experience with people-pleasing
9:56 - Shifting our soma into alignment
11:21 - How can we identify Root issues in our work?
14:32 - How Justin was influenced to heal from people-pleasing
17:59 - Time to get curious about yourself
20:09 - When is it time to be a “burden” and require attention?
23:05 - Self-advocacy is a muscle we can build
24:48 - What is Justin’s process to move through the difficulty of boundary-setting?
29:48 - What are our options for resolution when we feel an emotional wave?
36:33 - Learning to set a boundary and remain inherently worthy
38:08 - Self-understanding helps us identify the nuances of people-pleasing
47:33 - Justin represents a healthy masculine approach to being in alignment
53:15 - Stay connected and dive into more!
References and resources mentioned in this episode
Find Justin here:
Find Nkem here:
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